lately i've been evaluating ( for the lack of a better word ) my life and character too much for my own good . i'm sure this is not one of my depressed or angsty moods because i believe i have matured out of that . in one way or another . in the weirdest way , the fact that i feel much more nonchalant about everything thats going on around me than i would in the past kind of consoles me . at least i'm not breaking down into more of a pathetic mess than i already am right . hahaha .

past year has been quite a mental torture , to say the least , not only for me of course but those close to me (family, gabbag) and its just weird that so many bad things can happen in one year . maybe we've just all matured and have started looking at things from a different point of view . but the fact that i do manage to get out of every shitty situation thrown at me eventually is something that deserves mention right ? i guess .

what i've learnt is to not have any expectations out of anyone or any relationship and not set myself up for heartbreak . and this really applies to every part of our lives in all senses . hai basically if you're gona take something away from me , dont give it to me in the first place .

anyhows on my way home i received an sms from one of the most unexpected ppl saying some of the most unexpected things . its more or less an open secret but of course nobody likes to point it out or talk bout it unless you're really close ( eg tissue paper on the bottom of your shoe hohoho ) but it really started me thinking , because in the first place . the blame is no one's to bear . we should have tried to bond the whole batch and made friends with everyone and get to know each other better but in the first place, it takes two hands to clap . for you to point it out must mean that you notice it too so maybe you should have approached us ? i am in no way putting the blame on anyone cus i know its everyone's to bear im just trying to look at it in an objective way and i know you prob dint target it at just one person but more of everyone .. obviously thigns could have been better with more bonding and all that but seriosuly not to be cynical , who really is looking for lifelong friends at this stage of our lives . im assuming that we are all mature enough as of now to discern who is really your friend and who is not . over the years i guess you have filtered out all the fairweather friends and who will really be there for you . im not tryign to argue so pls dont get me wrong . if i were i would have replied immediately . so seriously , maybe you should give it some thought too

i'm starting to really hate this responsibility & it is honestly getting really tiring . but everyone is hurting inside too and i guess this is what unconditional love is really all about right . its really starting to fade though . whats unconditional ? dying for someone ? like ling said we would all save strangers from dying too . is that unconditional love ? well not really considering you dont even know the person . i guess i am trying to protect everyone by just bearing all this bullshit . but i can only take so much more before i really break down . and w/o anyone at the bottom to listen to all the bullshit , tolerate and clean up after everyone , everythign will break down .. but forget it . i will nv solve this problem fucking irritating arghhh . so everyone stop hurting already la . im already holding up all yr bullshit for you . just throw everything to me then throw me away . i really want to get out of this anyway ..

sigh . to everyone in gabbag who has been having a bad year , what goes around comes around next year we'll get all the good karma . we just have to .